Half my bacon fell on the floor. I only had two strips of bacon-y-goodness to start with so it was only the one piece, but even so, it was half!*
At moments like this, one is forced to consider a host of karmic possibilities. Was this divine punishment for having chosen to order breakfast while awaiting my car repairs** instead of opening up my shiny new laptop and writing? Was this one of my hopefully-not-really-present gremlin fans attempting to ensure writerly long life and good health by reducing my red meat consumption?*** Am I just a klutz who should have downed the Diet Pepsi to reduce my caffeine shakes before attempting such complexities as cutting bacon on a slippery plate near the edge of the table?**** And most importantly, does IHOP provide replacement bacon? Would it help if I cried?*****
*Behold my mathematical genius. Yup, get a masters degree in applied math and you too can think in fractions. Or failing that, attend second grade.
**It would be entirely illogical to suggest that fixing a printer caused mythological gremlins to drain a car battery. When in the course of human events a car belongs to a person who works from home and who also forgets to turn on said car, it results in significant chemical wear and tear on the car battery. Such a battery stops holding a charge and requires increasingly frequent jumps. Replacing said battery of course would not be the cause of a laptop failing. After six years of almost everyday use, even the most trusty of laptops eventually apply for machine retirement. Replacing said laptop does not make another car’s tail light go out. Gremlins could not possibly be involved.^
^But if they were, one could ask one's Facebook friends list for advice on ethical gremlin removal. Many people have exceptionally exceptional advice to offer. But be warned: chicken blood will reduce the trade-in value of a six-year-old laptop that might otherwise have generated a sizable Amazon ebook credit.
***Have you seen that horrible news? Bacon: bad for you! It’s almost as if humans were supposed to eat a variety of foods (mostly plants) and adding a single leaf of spinach to a plate of fried bacon did not make a thing a salad.
****Yes.
*****No and no. One should only cry if all the bacon falls on the floor; dignity should be worth at least $1.99. Also, go ahead and spring for the replacement bacon order. Let the lost bacon be considered a gremlin appeasement offering.
At moments like this, one is forced to consider a host of karmic possibilities. Was this divine punishment for having chosen to order breakfast while awaiting my car repairs** instead of opening up my shiny new laptop and writing? Was this one of my hopefully-not-really-present gremlin fans attempting to ensure writerly long life and good health by reducing my red meat consumption?*** Am I just a klutz who should have downed the Diet Pepsi to reduce my caffeine shakes before attempting such complexities as cutting bacon on a slippery plate near the edge of the table?**** And most importantly, does IHOP provide replacement bacon? Would it help if I cried?*****
*Behold my mathematical genius. Yup, get a masters degree in applied math and you too can think in fractions. Or failing that, attend second grade.
**It would be entirely illogical to suggest that fixing a printer caused mythological gremlins to drain a car battery. When in the course of human events a car belongs to a person who works from home and who also forgets to turn on said car, it results in significant chemical wear and tear on the car battery. Such a battery stops holding a charge and requires increasingly frequent jumps. Replacing said battery of course would not be the cause of a laptop failing. After six years of almost everyday use, even the most trusty of laptops eventually apply for machine retirement. Replacing said laptop does not make another car’s tail light go out. Gremlins could not possibly be involved.^
^But if they were, one could ask one's Facebook friends list for advice on ethical gremlin removal. Many people have exceptionally exceptional advice to offer. But be warned: chicken blood will reduce the trade-in value of a six-year-old laptop that might otherwise have generated a sizable Amazon ebook credit.
***Have you seen that horrible news? Bacon: bad for you! It’s almost as if humans were supposed to eat a variety of foods (mostly plants) and adding a single leaf of spinach to a plate of fried bacon did not make a thing a salad.
****Yes.
*****No and no. One should only cry if all the bacon falls on the floor; dignity should be worth at least $1.99. Also, go ahead and spring for the replacement bacon order. Let the lost bacon be considered a gremlin appeasement offering.
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