There came a time when players of games young and old were known throughout the land to sit upon couches in basements without interaction with the outside world or sight of the sun.* Some objected, heaped scorn upon the gamers, and said, “Go outside and play!”
Niantic heard their cries.
It gave to the world Pokemon GO, a game both marvelous and unfinished, which drew the gamers blinking into the sunlight, and indeed, they went outside to play.**
Some gamers, seeking to capture the rarest of rare Pokemon, and be the best like no one ever was, walked miles beyond what their soft legs could bear. Limping, they cried out for mercy.
Niantic heard their cries.
It gave them battery drain that they might return home and rest while their phones recharged.*** And indeed they did, stretching out their tired legs on couches as they ordered battery packs and posted one star reviews online.
Well rested and armed with battery packs, gamers ventured forth again into the bright outside world. Some players lacked natural melanin protection and stayed too long in the sun-drenched places. Their complexions, formerly best described as pasty, turned to pink and even red. “The sun, it burns us!” they cried.****
Niantic heard their cries.
It gave them Servers Unavailable during daylight hours that they might have time to acquire sunscreen and learn the mysteries of its effective use. And indeed they did, though mostly they refreshed ispokemongodownornot.com and posted additional one star reviews.
Some gamers, longing to fill their Pokedex, were tempted beyond what they could bear by the possibility that Mewtwo lurked inside their litigious neighbors’ fenced backyards, and as they battled trespassing charges, they cried out to the developers.*****
Niantic, again, heard their cries.
It gave them no more Pokemon tracking capability. And indeed, the gamers no longer trespassed into restricted areas. But again, they did not thank Niantic. Crying out more than ever before, they complained Niantic is not listening.
But beware, for Niantic hears their cries.******
* As with many such things, what was known and what was true had little interrelation, but this dissonance failed to impact common perception.
** The ones making the original objections were not best pleased to discover gamers crowding the sidewalks along their dog walking routes, visiting historical sites, and filling up the parking spaces near the community green spaces, but it wasn’t Niantic’s fault they failed to be more specific in their request. Niantic is merciful but not divinely all knowing.
*** Some also, having sampled this “go outside” concept and found it wanting, spent hours building for themselves a game within the game where their own bots played for them from the comfort of their own homes.
**** In truth, not all players of pasty complexion channeled J.R.R. Tolkien’s character Smeagol when they voiced their complaints, but in sentiment, they quite agreed with him.
***** The litigious in nature also sued Niantic, but while the developers themselves are not divine, millions of dollars in daily in-game purchases are sufficient to acquire legendary strength legal assistance.
****** New tracking is coming, they say. Battery saver has returned. Pokemon escape rates are, possibly, fixed. Additional warnings of a lawyerly nature have appeared. Also, minor text changes abound. But indeed, the gamers want all this and Mewtwo as well.^
^ Meanwhile, this gamer has a book to finish, a WorldCon to attend, some distractions to indulge and Niantic to frame for it.
Niantic heard their cries.
It gave to the world Pokemon GO, a game both marvelous and unfinished, which drew the gamers blinking into the sunlight, and indeed, they went outside to play.**
Some gamers, seeking to capture the rarest of rare Pokemon, and be the best like no one ever was, walked miles beyond what their soft legs could bear. Limping, they cried out for mercy.
Niantic heard their cries.
It gave them battery drain that they might return home and rest while their phones recharged.*** And indeed they did, stretching out their tired legs on couches as they ordered battery packs and posted one star reviews online.
Well rested and armed with battery packs, gamers ventured forth again into the bright outside world. Some players lacked natural melanin protection and stayed too long in the sun-drenched places. Their complexions, formerly best described as pasty, turned to pink and even red. “The sun, it burns us!” they cried.****
Niantic heard their cries.
It gave them Servers Unavailable during daylight hours that they might have time to acquire sunscreen and learn the mysteries of its effective use. And indeed they did, though mostly they refreshed ispokemongodownornot.com and posted additional one star reviews.
Some gamers, longing to fill their Pokedex, were tempted beyond what they could bear by the possibility that Mewtwo lurked inside their litigious neighbors’ fenced backyards, and as they battled trespassing charges, they cried out to the developers.*****
Niantic, again, heard their cries.
It gave them no more Pokemon tracking capability. And indeed, the gamers no longer trespassed into restricted areas. But again, they did not thank Niantic. Crying out more than ever before, they complained Niantic is not listening.
But beware, for Niantic hears their cries.******
* As with many such things, what was known and what was true had little interrelation, but this dissonance failed to impact common perception.
** The ones making the original objections were not best pleased to discover gamers crowding the sidewalks along their dog walking routes, visiting historical sites, and filling up the parking spaces near the community green spaces, but it wasn’t Niantic’s fault they failed to be more specific in their request. Niantic is merciful but not divinely all knowing.
*** Some also, having sampled this “go outside” concept and found it wanting, spent hours building for themselves a game within the game where their own bots played for them from the comfort of their own homes.
**** In truth, not all players of pasty complexion channeled J.R.R. Tolkien’s character Smeagol when they voiced their complaints, but in sentiment, they quite agreed with him.
***** The litigious in nature also sued Niantic, but while the developers themselves are not divine, millions of dollars in daily in-game purchases are sufficient to acquire legendary strength legal assistance.
****** New tracking is coming, they say. Battery saver has returned. Pokemon escape rates are, possibly, fixed. Additional warnings of a lawyerly nature have appeared. Also, minor text changes abound. But indeed, the gamers want all this and Mewtwo as well.^
^ Meanwhile, this gamer has a book to finish, a WorldCon to attend, some distractions to indulge and Niantic to frame for it.
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